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The Cycle That Keeps Our Relationships Stuck

Updated: Sep 13, 2022

If you have met with any of us here at Couples Therapy Centre for relationship counselling, I am sure you have heard us refer to “the cycle.” If you have not yet began couples therapy, this will be a term you hear often when working with an Emotionally Focused Therapist. Your pattern, cycle, dance, whatever it may be, is the thing that is keeping you and your partner stuck, as it goes around and around. Have you ever felt as though you are having the same argument over and over? That’s what it feels like to have a negative cycle take over your relationship, leaving you to wonder if your relationship will last. One of our roles as your EFT therapist is to better understand the cycle that takes place, so we can support you and your partner in cultivating a new one—whether you stay together, end the relationship, or begin a new relationship of co-parenting, changing the communication pattern with your partner can have a positive impact on your connection with one another.

So, what can you do? First, start to notice the cycle. If you were a fly on the wall witnessing tension between you and your partner, what would you see? What are the moves that are keeping you both cemented into your roles in this dance? Second, start to blame the cycle. This is crucial to the process and in my experience where a lot of us can get stuck since we have been blaming the other for so long. When you start to see the cycle and the challenges that come your way as the problem, rather than your partner, you become a team and when you become a team, a new cycle has the opportunity to take root, creating a safe place for the both of you. Third, change your role in the cycle. As many of us have tried, and likely failed, we cannot control and change our partners, but what we can change are our moves in the cycle, which will naturally influence the old patterns to change their course. I encourage you to be resolved in doing your part in shifting the cycle so a new one can take place, bringing the two of you together.

It is important to know that there is no way to remove conflict from relationships, but there is a way to move through conflict in a way that benefits your relationship. When we accept this fact paired with a new, positive cycle, where you and your partner turn towards each other rather than pull away, your relationship can be a safe place to land when things get tough. If you want to better understand the cycle that is keeping your relationship stuck, we would love to come alongside you in this journey through the therapeutic process.

You can find our availability on our booking website Just click the “Book Online” button to book a free consultation and find the best fit for you and your relationship.


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