How to Set Boundaries with People Who Can't Support Your Choice to Divorce

Divorce isn’t as simple as a legal process. It is a complex emotional event that leaves partners grieving. All you want in that moment is for the people closest to you to support you. But what do you do when people can’t support your choice to divorce?

Separate Self from Opinions

A majority of the time, people weighing in on your separations is more a reflection of their personal beliefs than what the ‘right thing to do is’. They may have strong feelings about marriage and commitment for a myriad of reasons, ranging from personal experience to religion. Other people may not do well with conflict and change itself. 

It is important to remember that these are their thoughts. They are not the ones who were in your relationship. They are not you. 

Taking their opinions less personally is hard especially when it comes from the people you love the most. Understanding that their beliefs are more of a reflection of them than their thoughts of you or the situation may make it even a bit easier.

What are Boundaries?

But what about when everyone’s behavior becomes harmful to you? This is when boundaries are crucial. Nowadays it’s easy to get the idea of boundaries misconstrued. It is not about controlling people’s choices or behavior, or punishing them.

It’s about communicating what you will and will not engage with. For those not supporting your decision to divorce a boundary can look like:

• “I need your support, not your advice right now” 

• “If this discussion turns into criticism, I am going to step away”

• “I don’t feel comfortable discussing my decision right now, can we discuss it at a later time?”

Boundaries are an act of self respect, and protect you and your relationship with others when one or both of you feel harm.

When do I Need to Set Boundaries?

When are boundaries necessary? It can be as simple as listening to your body and emotions. Do you feel drained or exhausted after every conversation surrounding your divorce? Do you sense yourself getting defensive? Our bodies communicate how we feel through discomfort: emotions are signals! We just have to listen to them.

How do I Set Boundaries?

The best way to set boundaries is to focus on clarity. They don’t have to be articulated perfectly, they just need to communicate how you feel and what you need! You don’t need a long winded explanation for why, in fact direct statements are easier to digest.

This can look like:

• “I understand that you feel differently, but this decision is right for me”

• “I am not open to discussing my decision anymore”

• “I appreciate your concern for me, but I need you to trust my decision”

It is important to note that some people will not understand the boundaries you set for yourself the first time. This does not mean that you are wrong for setting them, it simply means you may need to repeat yourself. Holding your ground does not make you selfish, it means you understand your needs.

When Boundaries Aren’t Respected

But what about when people don’t respect the boundaries you set. Or ignore them as a whole? If repeating the boundaries doesn’t seem to stick you can try:

• Changing the subject: sometimes distraction is appropriate!

• End the conversation: you have the right to not engage when they continue to not listen to your boundaries after you have communicated them

• Limit how often you engage with them: if they consistently bring it up against your wishes, it may be beneficial to distance yourself

It is easy to feel self-doubt when the people you love aren't listening to your boundaries. You may even feel guilty for imposing boundaries in the first place. You may find yourself thinking “I’m being too harsh when they’re just trying to help”. While it is important to listen to your loved ones, it is also important to know where to draw the line when their opinions and beliefs are causing you distress. They can try to support you, but at the end of the day it is not their divorce and their efforts may be more harmful than supportive.

Navigating a divorce is as difficult as it is. Setting and maintaining boundaries beyond that is an additional stress. If you or a loved one needs support through this period of change and grief, contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.