How Closeness Bids Are Often Rejected Without Words

Closeness bids don’t have to be rejected with just words. They can be rejected with body language, tone or through misinterpretations. Attempts to foster emotional closeness can often be interpreted as criticism, creating distance between partners and leaving needs unmet.

What are Closeness Bids?

To put it simply, a closeness bid is one partner reaching out to form a connection with the other. This can take on many forms, such as starting a conversation, initiating intimacy or simply bringing up a memory together. Any action with the intent of connecting with others is a closeness bid, and they are the basis of relationships.

Relationships are at their core, connections. In a sense, partners maintain their relationships by offering closeness bids to one another. Warm and open responses to bids foster connection. Defensiveness and rejection kill closeness bids, and create emotional distance. 

“Can We Talk for a Minute?”

One of the most simple connection bids is starting a conversation. Have you ever heard the words “can we talk for a minute” and immediately tense up? Your jaw clenches, shoulders tighten and stomach drop- all unconsciously. Many of us have been conditioned to believe we have done something wrong or that conflict is about to ensue when we hear those famous six words. Our nervous systems have been trained to automatically hear these words as a threat. 

This does not make for open communication. This reaction shuts down the bid before any real conversation occurs. It shuts down attempts for emotional closeness.

But it is hard not to have a threat response automatically. You don’t consciously control your nervous system and trying to stop a response is not the solution. Understanding the function of that response helps us ensure that our threat responses do not prevent communication with our partners. 

Start by asking yourself why you are having this response. Have conversations that started like this in the past ended with rejection and pain? Are you trying to protect yourself from a conversation you haven’t even had? While self protection is natural, it can do more harm than good when it prevents you from having open and honest communication with your partner.

It’s important to recognize that “can we talk” does not always mean conflict or confrontation. It can mean reaching out- a closeness bid- to build emotional connection. It can mean sharing thoughts and feelings, without the judgement that we automatically presume. Reframing those words to focus on positive connection makes it less intimidating!

Responses to Closeness Bids

Seeing your partner tense up at the thought of conversation does not make you want to open up. You can see you’re already being perceived as a threat and being labeled as confrontational, all without a word spoken in response. Body language alone causes a miscommunication: all due to assumptions from past experiences. This can lead to the partner who offered the bid to suppress their needs, and say “never mind”. Thoughts and feelings are left untold, the bid is rejected, connection dies.

Responding with “yes, what’s wrong” communicates you’ve made an assumption there is a 

problem. Responding with “can it wait” rejects the closeness bid. The goal is to respond with openness. Being open to the bid that your partner is offering without assuming the worst. Slowing down and realizing that communication with your partner should not invoke a fear response. 

A response can be as simple as “Sure, I’d like that”. Giving them the chance to share what they wanted to without a judgement. What you assumed would be another fight could turn into a beautiful moment of connection. 

Without a doubt, our past experiences shape us to who we are today. But when past experience prevents communication with your partner, it is important to reframe our responses to foster connection. You cannot control your experiences, but you can control how you respond. Slowly, one day at a time. If this process feels overwhelming to you or your partner, contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.