Are They a Provider or Financial Abuser?

Control or abuse does not always have to be overt. It can appear sneakily, in subtle ways: you may not even be aware it’s happening. Understanding the difference between healthily managing finances and financial control or abuse can be life saving.

Finances can be overwhelming! Dealing with bills, savings or taxes are often easy to avoid as daunting tasks. Hence why if your partner offers to ‘handle the money’ it can feel like a relief. As you have trust in your partner, it’s easy for you to let them access accounts and paperwork. But when the line of what is financially yours and theirs starts to blur is when the situation can get dangerous. 

Do you know if your name is on shared assets such as the house, savings accounts or investments? Do you have access to your accounts or do they solely manage them?

Not understanding what is going on in your shared finances isn’t simply a gap in information, it can be a gap in power in your relationship. Having a part in your finances is often what draws the line between healthy shared finances and financial control. 

Access versus Allowance

Someone who is financially abusive will rarely cut you off entirely as it would make their control too obvious. Financial control often appears in relationships as allowing you to have money rather than letting you have access. Your partner may control when or the amounts you can access of your shared money: you have to start asking for permission instead of giving a heads up. This can lead to reducing your needs to meet their expectations of your shared financials.

Protection versus Restriction

Control isn’t always obvious; sometimes it can be disguised as care. They may say “I don’t want finances to stress you out” or “I’ll take care of everything, don't worry”. This may be the case. But also ask yourself: 

• Are my choices expanding or narrowing because of this care? Do I have less stress so I feel relieved about my choices, or am I pigeon-holed into what my partner wants?

• Am I supported to pursue what I want? Or am I being subtly discouraged through the argument of shared finances. 

Differentiating between care, which provides options, and control, which limits them, is a huge indicator of financial abuse. What makes financial abuse so dangerous is how the control degrades your independence. It makes you dependent on your partner allowing them to manage your every financial decision. 

What Healthy Shared Finances Can Look Like

Shared finances shouldn’t feel like every dollar spent is monitored and critiqued. Healthy shared finances can look like:

• Regular conversations about goals as a couple for your finances. Are you both working towards buying a house or car? Are you both preparing to start a family or support your children?

• Equal access to accounts: both partners have equal say in how shared finances are spent.

• Long-term protection for both partners. This can look like both partners having individual savings accounts, retirement funds or emergency funds.

Finances shouldn’t be used as leverage. It is important to note that sharing financials will not always result in financial control or abuse. However it is important to recognize the signs to prevent losing financial independence. If you are seeking support for control in your relationships contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.