How Guilt and Shame Differ & How They Show Up in Relationships

Guilt often motivates change, but shame promotes feelings of defensiveness and creates distance in relationships. But how can two emotions that are seemingly so similar have such drastic outcomes?

Say for example you forgot you and your partner's anniversary. Guilt would cause you to think “I did something bad” whereas shame would cause you to think “I am bad”. This separation between the individual and the mistake is the key difference to guilt and shame, and why it causes such different outcomes in thoughts, feelings and thus action.

The Psychology Behind Guilt and Shame

Our moral compasses are (to a degree) dictated by what society deems acceptable. When we believe we have acted wrongly, and have gone against our morals, we feel a sense of guilt because we stray away from acting righteously. This is what makes guilt pro-social: it makes us want to change to realign ourselves with what ourselves and thus society believes is right. Guilt makes you want to reconnect with others to repair what you believe is wrong.

In relationships this looks like apologies, reparations and increased attentiveness.

Most importantly, guilt allows you the ability to separate yourself from the mistake you have made. Shame does the opposite and combines the mistake with the individual. 

Instead of promoting change and reconnection, shame activates our fight or flight response. It makes us want to recede from others to ensure they don’t see our faults.

In relationships this looks like withdrawing to create distance, defensiveness and avoiding difficult conversations.

Shame can often feel intolerable- making us lean towards self protection rather than taking the more vulnerable route of accountability.  Making mistakes makes you vulnerable and shame causes our brain to interpret criticism as danger.

Guilt focuses on behavior. Shame focuses on identity.

How to Transform Shame into Guilt

1. Separate the mistake from yourself

Replace statements such as “I am a bad partner” with “that behavior didn’t align with my values”. Language is powerful, and making that separation between self and error in what you say can shift shame into guilt. It can shift withdrawal into action.

2. Give Yourself Some Compassion

You are human and you are allowed to make mistakes. The errors that you make do not define who you are as a person. This can be harder than it looks, as shame can be an all-encompassing emotion. Next time shame feels too overwhelming, try talking to yourself the same way you would a loved one. Sometimes it is easier to be empathetic to others than it is to ourselves- this practice uses that logic to promote self care and compassion.

3. Regulate First, Repair Second

Take a moment to sit with what you are feeling. Do you feel shame in your chest? As a pit in your stomach? Do you want to crawl into a ball away from everyone else? Firstly, recognize that emotion and take a breath. Identifying the shame takes some of its power away.

Being regulated allows you to be more receptive to accountability and criticism and helps prevent you from becoming defensive.

Shame is a vulnerable emotion that makes us want to hide away from others. It often can become unbearable, making our mistakes feel like mountains to overcome.

If your feelings feel too much to bear on your own, we are here to support you. Contact us at Couples Therapy Centre on 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.