Why Divorce Isn't Always an Automatic Fresh Start

Most people do not realize the emotional patterns that remain present, even after their divorce. Separating from your partner does not automatically take away the feelings and behavioral patterns you experienced. You may feel that the problems in your marriage like communication or incompatibility were limited to being shared between you and your ex-partner. But the reality is that these conflicts are driven by deep rooted behavioral and emotional patterns that have been shaped over your entire life. Without addressing these patterns directly, this can transfer to new relationships, causing the same conflicts to arise and getting stuck in frustrating cycles. Old emotional patterns begin to shape current conflicts.

Healing doesn’t simply happen when we leave an unhealthy relationship. We have to directly address the problems at the root, and make changes to help us cope and break the cycle.

When you enter a relationship, both individuals have past experiences stemming from as early as childhood. You may have differences in experience, different wounds and different ways of coping. You may think starting a relationship is building on a blank slate, starting from when you first met. But realistically, their experiences before you shaped them and will affect how they interact in relationships. These differences in emotion and behavior are often the root of most conflict. 

Specifically, women are often socialized to be very aware of others. We must tend to others needs by learning very early to:

• Read the room

• Notice everyone’s moods and adjust accordingly

• Walk on eggshells and withhold information to maintain safety

• Mediate between loved ones to keep peace

• Always be available to be helpful to prove you are capable and needed

• Avoid expressing any needs at the cost of inconveniencing others

• Take on the responsibility for others emotions

In the past, these behaviors have kept you safe from conflict. But when they bleed into new relationships, even when you are trying to ‘start fresh’. It can turn into

• Reading how your partner is feeling and adjusting your behavior

• Trying to ‘fix’ your partners mood to maintain peace

• Over-explaining your emotions at the fear of being misunderstood

• Avoiding hard conversations out of fear of ‘being needy’

• Taking on more than you can handle and becoming resentful when no one helps

• Questioning yourself and your needs after disagreements to try to take responsibility

Sometimes it is easy to say, “I had a good childhood, others had it worse”. You may not have experienced a largely traumatic event, and it is natural to compare yourselves to others. But the issue is that this is invalidating your experiences. This is why it is crucial to ask: are the coping skills I developed in my childhood affecting my current behavior in an unhealthy way?

It is normal to not remember exactly how these patterns developed as it was likely over your entire childhood, extending into adulthood. So we reframe and readjust. We ask what the behaviors are now, and try to trace back to see how long we have been behaving this way.

An important note is that this is not about blaming parents. It is everyone’s first time living, and everyone makes mistakes. They have their own childhood experiences that shaped their parenting decisions! It is not about assigning blame, it is about creating awareness of the root of the problem. The most powerful tool awareness gives you is choice. You become aware of your patterns, and you have the choice to continue the cycle, or break free. You can notice when you are over-functioning and choose to take a step back. You recognize when you are taking responsibility for others emotions, and decide to let them handle their emotions themselves. This choice from awareness is what allows us to heal.

The goal of healing after divorce isn’t to become perfect or never feel triggered. The goal is to become aware, and choose to stop the cycles that hurt you. You learn to break out of the emotional patterns that dictated past relationships and make meaningful change. If you need guidance through this process, we are here to help. Contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.