What to do When Reassurance From Your Partner Doesn't Stick

Do you find yourself stuck in the frustrating pattern that typically plays out like this: you find yourself feeling anxious, worried or insecure and your partner reassures you, which temporarily makes you feel better but those feelings shortly return? This cycle does not result from a lack of reassurance, but rather that you need reassurance to solve something deeper than the worry at hand.

Typical Pattern of the Reassurance Cycle

The reassurance cycle typically plays out along the lines of:

1. Something triggers you (ie your partner does not respond to a call/text, their tone was off, they seem distant etc)

2. Trigger invokes anxiety: loss of security

3. Search for reassurance

4. Reassurance temporarily works, but wears off quickly

5. New doubt emerges

6. Need for reassurance continues

It is important to note here that reassurance is not the problem here. Rather, the method we use to ease our anxiety is ineffective.

Why Reassurance Feels So Good

Uncertainty fuels anxiety. Worries often stem from being unsure about feelings, behaviors, actions or situations. So to calm ourselves, we reach for any kind of certainty we can grab onto. Reassurance from your partner is a form of certainty: we can use other people to bring back that security that anxiety takes away. But reassurance from others is often a temporary fix. It becomes less effective so we need it more frequently.

When we become anxious, and rely on others for reassurance, we strengthen the idea that we need others for security. While emotional security is the basis of a relationship, it should not solely come from others, but be based internally. While having a partner to support you can be extremely helpful, it is crucial that you have the ability to trust yourself and use coping mechanisms independent of your partner.

The point here isn’t to feel shame for wanting security. It’s to refocus how you can regain security in times of anxiety in a way that is longer lasting than temporary reassurance.

Dive Deeper

Ask yourself, what is the reassurance you are actually looking for. Are you responding to a current situation or something that happened in the past? Are past experiences or feelings of abandonment, betrayal or rejection impacting your current perspective?

Our past experiences shape the way we perceive new situations, so it is normal for past feelings to impact current ways of thought. But it is important to recognize when you are repeating the same patterns, and getting stuck in cycles that hurt you. Every time you reach for short-term validation, you end up rewarding the behavior that causes reassurance to not stick. This is why it is imperative that we recognize what the root issue is, allowing us to try a new approach.

Different Approaches to Reframing Reassurance

1. Reassure yourself first:

   1. It is easy to want to reach for your partner right away and ask for reassurance. Before you do this, take a moment to see if you can validate yourself first. Try to challenge the fears at hand with facts that oppose your anxiety. A physical list of evidence for and against your worry is a powerful tool for this. 

2. Differentiate unhealthy and healthy reassurance seeking:

   1. It is perfectly normal and healthy to want reassurance from your partner. Healthy reassurance looks like:

      1. Every once in a while

      2. Related to specific concern

      3. Easy to accept once it’s received and lasts longer

   2. Unhealthy reassurance that doesn't stick looks like:

      1. Repetitive and constant

      2. Fueled by anxiety as opposed to new information

      3. Hard to accept 

      4. Focused on achieving complete certainty

3. Understand what you’re looking for

   1. When reassurance doesn’t stick, you are often not looking for information to bring certainty to the situation. You are likely looking for relief and emotional regulation. Differentiating these two needs can help you take appropriate action.

   
   

It is important to note that reassurance sometimes does not stick because there is a deep rooted issue at hand. It can be hard to differentiate what are anxiety-driven fears and concerns that need direct attention. If you are having trouble differentiating the two, and need support: we are here to help. Contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.