Anxious Attachment Style versus Anxious Response

It can be easy to believe you have an anxious attachment style when you have been in an inconsistent relationship. If you find yourself constantly overthinking, seeking reassurance or worrying where you stand, it is understandable to believe you have an anxious attachment style. But it is important to ask ourselves: are you having an anxious response or do you generally have an anxious attachment style?

Ask Yourself one important question

When distinguishing between attachment style and response ask yourself: if your partner were emotionally available, consistent and dependable, would you still experience this same level of anxiety?

If the answer is yes, and you see these patterns repeating over different partners then you like do have an anxious attachment style. But if your anxiety is unique to one relationship then it is likely a response.

Difference Between Response and Attachment Style

Although these two experiences may look and even feel very similar, they have an important distinction. Attachment styles are general patterns of behavior we see in our relationships. They remain generally constant throughout our lives, stemming from relationships in childhood. But we don’t behave the exact same way in every relationship, so what explains this? The answer is there is a difference between attachment style and response to behavior. Attachment style is generalized behavior over all relationships whereas responses can be exclusive to the current relationship.

A person with an anxious attachment style will feel persistent fear of abandonment and anxiety within relationships. These patterns appear in every relationship, no matter the partner. Someone who is responding anxiously will be limited to their partner's specific behavior. 

If you have a partner who is more avoidant, you are likely to respond to that situation by behaving in a way that aligns more with anxious attachment. Even though you are behaving ‘anxious’ in one relationship, does not mean this generalizes to your attachment style.

You can be generally secure in yourself, but if you find yourself in a relationship that is inconsistent, it can become distressing. This uncertainty causes anxiety. You cannot predict how your partner will behave, and you try everything in your power to regain sense or control of the relationship. Your nervous system is constantly activated, looking for clues of how your partner is going to react to you. These are textbook components of an anxious response. Anxiety is fueled by uncertainty. If you are in a relationship that is lacking in security and consistency, you are also lacking certainty which thus leads to an anxious response.

The harm of this has both long term effects. If you are stuck constantly responding in an anxious manner you likely will experience:

• Exhaustion from being on constant alert

• Higher likeliness of interpreting neutral situations as negative (to prepare for the worst)

• Decreased trust in your partner due to lack of security

Focusing Healing on Wrong Area

But when you focus on attachment style over response, you start to heal the wrong thing. You think your anxiety means there is something wrong with you. You are more likely to look through childhood wounds and convince yourself you are too needy, sensitive, insecure or scared of abandonment. You spend endless time trying to fix your anxiety, while still existing in an uncertain relationship that makes you anxious. You end up trying to heal an internal wound when the problem is external.

It is normal to respond to uncertainty with anxiousness. Your body is naturally wired to go into fight or flight to face conflict. If your partner is sending you mixed signals, it becomes almost impossible to feel secure. They are distant one day, and loving and close the next; how do you feel secure when there is no consistency?

If you are struggling to distinguish the two, and need support: we are here to help. Contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.