Why Divorce Is Often Treated With Judgment Instead of Empathy

When someone shares they are getting divorced, people often do not know how to respond. Rather than compassion right off the bat, we often respond with questions. What happened? Did you try counseling? Are you sure this is the right decision? It is natural to be curious and inquire, and often come from a place of concern and love. However, when someone is already navigating the emotional complexity of divorce, questions can feel like an interrogation rather than support.

Divorce is often treated as an event that requires an explanation. But the decision to divorce is often one that has considered years of private struggle, attempts to reconnect, challenging needs and emotions of both parties. Sometimes the most compassionate way to respond is to recognize that we rarely know the full story and to focus on supporting the individual who is opening up about divorce.

What About Divorce Makes People so Uncomfortable?

In an ideal world, marriage represents permanence, commitment and stability. Many of us hold this belief, and it is often taught from a young age. Other factors such as religion or personal experience can strengthen or weaken this societal view of marriage. There is an ideal path of: fall in love, marry, build a life together and grow old together. Divorce isn’t in this model, so it challenges our belief, which makes people uncomfortable. 

When we feel uncomfortable, we often search for explanations to resolve this challenge. We want to make an event easier to understand. We may start asking who was responsible, what went wrong or whether someone could have tried harder. But this isn’t always appropriate when it is an, often extremely emotional and heavy, event in someone else’s life. Marriages can include all the ideal values such as love and connection, but it can also include pain, loneliness and efforts to connect that did not land. We cannot categorize divorce and marriage into failure and success as they are not appropriate to categorize.

The Impact of Judgement

Being judged during divorce can add another layer of pain to an already difficult event. Instead of getting the compassion they were looking for, judgement may cause shame instead. It may cause the person who disclosed the divorce to withdraw, and feel that they cannot share their feelings about the divorce without being interrogated. Judgement may cause them to question themselves. They may ask, was I wrong? Did I give up too soon?  What if people believe I’m the problem? For an event filled with uncertainty, these external judgements can make it harder to understand and share their own thoughts and feelings.

What can Empathy Look Like Instead?

There is no ‘right’ response when someone discloses they are getting a divorce. However it is crucial that we put empathy at the core of that response. Empathy doesn’t require us to understand every detail of someone’s divorce. Nor does it require taking sides or agreeing with every decision that was made. But it can look like simply listening, and respecting privacy. It can look like being patient and allowing them to share only what they are comfortable sharing. Instead of asking what happened try “I’m here for you if you want to talk about it”. Being a support system to a loved one is the most valuable way you can respond.

If you or a loved one is struggling with divorce, and the reactions that come with it, we are here to help. Contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.