Sharing Your Fears Without Pushing Your Partner Away

Do you find yourself in a loving relationship, but your mind keeps preparing for loss and abandonment? Do you feel the need for reassurance from your partner, but are afraid that asking for it will make you too needy? This fear often causes us to pull away, creating distance between your partner you care about.

Fear is a protection response seeking safety, not a prediction of the future. Ignoring or attempting to eliminate fear in relationships is not the answer. Learning to communicate it without letting it consume you or overshadow the relationship is the goal. Healthy communication allows reassurance to soothe dread and enjoy the love present in your relationship.

What is Fear Telling Us

Fear is often deep rooted and learned. We fear being abandoned or rejected as humans are social beings and profoundly value connection with others. We fear not being enough or being hurt again from past relationships that have caused pain and suffering. Identifying the fear can help clarify what you are fearing. It is a signal to a deeper rooted problem.

Pause Before Fear

Are you evaluating the situation in isolation, or are your past experiences instilling fear into a neutral situation? Probe further by asking:

• What actually happened?

• What story am I telling myself?

• What do I need right now?

Pausing prevents reactive responses. It slows you down, takes away panic and allows you to interpret the situation at hand with a calmer mind. Due to the fact that fear often comes from a deep rooted place, it is important that we take a moment, and think critically about how it is impacting our current situations.

Speak out of Vulnerability Not Accusation

We rarely present fear in a pure manner. It can come off as anger or sadness. We tend to take neutral experiences like taking a little longer than normal to come home or answer a text and jump to conclusions. We assume the worst, which fuels our fear causing us to become upset. This highly emotional experience can make explaining how you truly feel a very difficult task. Instead of saying “I am afraid to lose you” to your partner it often sounds like:

• “You don’t care anymore”

• “You’re acting different”

• “Something feels off”

Instead of communicating what you are afraid of, your concerns come off as criticism. They do not clearly convey the message you are trying to get across. Instead of speaking from a place of accusation, speak from a place of vulnerability. Replace “you don’t care anymore” with “I’m feeling scared that I’m not as important as I hope I am”. Replace “you’re acting different” with “I’m worried there has been an unspoken shift between us and I want to talk about it”. Replace “something feels off” with “I’m scared you have hesitations or unspoken feelings about me, and I don’t want to leave it up to guessing”. Creating statements with intent of how you are feeling makes communication clear, thus making it more effective.

Ask for Connection Instead of Certainty

Oftentimes these fears are not because we are unhappy in the relationship. They are based on a need for certainty. Neither you or your partner can read the future so asking for guarantees is difficult. “Promise you’ll never leave” or “tell me everything is okay” are seeking certainty in the relationship. Reframing and seeking connection instead is not only more direct but promotes growth within the relationship. Asking “could we spend a little more time together tonight, I would love to feel close to you” promotes connection while soothing the fears you may be experiencing. 

Remember Your Partner Isn’t Your Fear

The fear you are experiencing is not based on your partner themselves. It is based on past experiences. Reminding yourself that your partner is not the fear you are trying to solve creates a healthy understanding of the relationship. It creates partnership instead of blame. It allows you to become a team. Separating your fear from your partner also allows you to appreciate the love you have from a more neutral standpoint. 

If you are struggling deciphering where your fear is coming from, or need support navigating these emotions, we are here to help. Contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.