Five Ways Resentment Builds in Relationships and How to Avoid it

Resentment is often not an immediate reaction. It slowly builds up over time until you become frustrated and exhausted- often unable to place where it came from. Resentment can make even small occurrences cause seemingly excessive reactions of anger or annoyance. By learning to recognize the ways that it develops, you can stop the pattern of behavior before resentment builds.

1. Keeping Score:

Keeping score is when someone is keeping track of behaviors such as giving more or sacrificing more. It turns the relationship transactional. Acts of love are done in order to get something back instead of doing it because you love them.

Keeping score does not build connection, it turns your relationship into a competition. It often starts by feeling underappreciated, and tracking behaviors only worsens the feelings of being undervalued.

To avoid keeping score, shift your energy to creating shared goals with your partner. Being able to work together to reach where you want to be in your relationship builds connection and companionship. Furthermore, focusing on expressing appreciation rather than tracking effort reframes frustration into gratitude. 

2. Unexpressed Needs

   
   

Sometimes you want your partner to just know what you need. You may think “if they loved me, I wouldn’t have to tell them what I need”. But your partner is not a mind reader, and you are not telepathic. 

You may not want to directly express your needs as you are afraid of rejection. Explaining your needs may feel like another task on your plate. However your needs deserve to be met, and the first step to this is communication.

Start by thinking about what you need in the most basic of senses: food, water, shelter. Then go up to slightly more complex needs like security. Break those complex needs down into different components- for example security can be in the form of a relationship, finances or physical safety. Then think about what ways you need your partner to contribute to these. This encourages clear communication and expectations. Encourage your partner to do the same so everyone’s needs are met.

3. One-sided Effort

Do you feel like you are always the partner who is initiating or giving in your relationship? This can range from initiating spending time together, intimacy, or simply any form of connection. Bearing the weight of emotional labor can be exhausting and extremely frustrating. Sustaining that role as initiator for long periods of time can burn you out right into resentment.

To combat this, open up a conversation about shared responsibility. Communicate and reflect on what specific areas you need more effort in.

4. Weaponizing the Past

Does your partner continuously bring up your past mistakes in current disagreements? This can make partners feel like they are stuck in the old narratives- which prevents healing and moving forward. 

Weaponizing the past often occurs when issues are not entirely resolved at the time of the conflict. Lingering resentment surrounding the conflict leaks into current arguments- which only fuels the fire. Resolving emotional harm rather than storing it, avoids weaponizing the past.

5. Unresolved Conflict

Unresolved conflict goes hand in hand with weaponizing the past. Sometimes it feels easier to avoid difficult conversations than to face conflict at hand- however this only leads to unresolved issues. This only grows emotional distance.

Conflicts in relationships are normal. It’s about working together as a team to solve them as they come up rather than building resentment.

Understanding how and where resentment builds can help you prevent frustration in your relationship. If you feel like you are stuck in resentment, and need support we are here to help. Contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.