The Emotional Disconnection That Comes From Keeping Score

Most of us have kept score in a relationship at some point:  “I’m always the one who reaches out”. “How many times have I asked you to do this”. “I do so much for you and you barely notice”. We may keep track of who initiated the last conversation, who planned the date, who apologized first, who did more around the house, who made the bigger sacrifice, or who seems to care more. While the way we keep score can be spoken aloud, it often happens quietly in our minds, building slowly.

Keeping Score Often Starts with Being Hurt

It can be tempting to view scorekeeping as petty. But often, there is something much more vulnerable underneath it. Scorekeeping typically does not start because we want to keep track of our partner’s failures or micromanage them. It often starts because something hurts. Perhaps you’ve been reaching out repeatedly and feeling rejected. Or maybe your efforts go unnoticed. This can quickly snowball into collecting evidence. Underneath the ‘petty’ appearing questions like “I did this and you didn’t” is “do I matter to you” or “can I depend on you”? However, scorekeeping doesn’t make these feelings clear, and often results in partners getting defensive.

The Difference Between Noticing Imbalance and Keeping Score

There is an important distinction between recognizing that something is unfair and becoming preoccupied with keeping track of who has given more. It is important to note that relationships are not always equal moment to moment. There are often times where one partner can give more than the other. What distinguishes scorekeeping and recognizing imbalance is by focusing on general reciprocity in the relationship. Do both of you care? Do both of you show in or contribute (even if it isn’t in the same exact way)? Do you both notice when the other is struggling? 

The Emotional Cost of Keeping Score

What makes keeping score so painful is that it changes where our attention is focused. Instead of asking “what is happening between us” we begin to focus more on “who is trying harder”. We try to quantify the relationship as a means of control over our emotions. Instead of expressing hurt clearly, keeping score is an indirect way of expressing how you feel. This can spiral into a cycle of defensiveness. You propose that your partner isn’t showing up for you, they get defensive, which makes you want to gather more evidence, and the cycle repeats. This leaves both partners feeling unseen and underappreciated. Keeping score tries to prove that we deserve care, but it ends up making it harder to experience the connection that care comes from.

Moving From Keeping Score to Conversation

If you notice yourself keeping score, try pausing before bringing evidence into the conversation. Ask yourself, “what am I actually feeling?”. Are you feeling underappreciated or exhausted? Are you feeling lonely or disappointed? Then based on that emotion, ask yourself what you need. Expressing your needs in a way that is clear invites working on your concern as a team, and removes the blame placing that scorekeeping often uses.

It is important to note that letting go of scorekeeping does not mean you ignore a lack of reciprocity. You are allowed to be tired of always being the one who initiates, plans, apologizes or repairs. The shift from scorekeeping is not to “I shouldn’t need anything”. It's from “I need to prove that I’m giving more” to “I need to understand what isn’t working and how to communicate this honestly”.

If you and your partner are struggling to break out of the scorekeeping cycle, we are here to help. Contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.