In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), couples learn something called the "attachment reframe." This means they start to see their emotional reactions and behaviors as ways to seek safety and closeness in their relationship. The core idea is that when we feel our bond with our partner is threatened, we naturally react strongly—especially if we can’t quickly fix the issue.
This reaction comes from how we’re wired as humans. Just like a baby feels safe exploring the world only when they know they can return to a caregiver, adults need to feel secure with their partner to stay calm and connected. When this feeling of security is shaken, people—just like babies—try different things to reconnect. If these first attempts don’t work, they often get more upset, and if that still doesn’t help, they may end up shutting down emotionally. This is shown clearly in Edward Tronick’s Still Face Experiment, where a baby becomes increasingly distressed when a caregiver stops responding, similar to how adults might feel if their partner stops engaging with them.
The attachment system is an innate, hardwired mechanism that humans rely on for survival from the very beginning of life. An infant depends on their ability to connect with a caregiver, seeking the nurturing and protection necessary for growth and well-being. Without this ability to elicit a response from a caregiver, an infant's chance of survival would be drastically compromised.
In adult relationships, unaddressed threats to secure connection often trigger responses similar to those observed in the Still Face Experiment. When a person feels uncertain about their bond with a partner, they may express separation distress through anxious or critical remarks. These reactions, often aimed at restoring connection, are fuelled by the emotional need to re-establish security within the relationship.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) refers to this distressed partner as the "pursuer." Like a baby in the Still Face Experiment who senses disconnection, the pursuer actively tries to restore connection by reaching out emotionally. Unfortunately, this approach can trigger a defensive reaction in the partner, known as the "withdrawer." Feeling inadequate or unable to meet the pursuer's needs, the withdrawer pulls back, distancing themselves emotionally to avoid potential rejection or conflict. This withdrawal is often misunderstood by the pursuer as a lack of concern, escalating their anxiety and reinforcing the cycle of disconnection.
Instead of fighting to reconnect through emotional engagement, the withdrawer seeks to calm the situation through logic or avoidance. They may withdraw from the heightened emotions of the pursuer, attempting to protect themselves and the relationship from further pain. Yet, the pursuer often sees this retreat as a lack of care, intensifying their need to pursue connection and leading to a cycle of conflicting responses.
The Negative Cycle of Incompatible Needs
In EFT, this recurring pattern is known as a negative cycle. Here, each partner’s attempt to cope with attachment fears—either through pursuit or withdrawal—tends to increase distress in the other. As the pursuer becomes more vocal or critical in their quest for connection, the withdrawer feels more pressure and retreats further. This escalating cycle reinforces each person’s fear of disconnection, creating an impasse.
Interestingly, research shows that while withdrawers may appear calm or indifferent, their bodies are often experiencing heightened distress. EFT therapists can help couples identify the subtle cues in their interactions and recognize how each partner’s attachment alarm is activated by the other’s behaviour.
Helping Couples Track Their Negative Cycles
A primary goal in EFT couples therapy is to help partners become aware of their negative cycles, focusing on the unconscious aspects (such as attachment fears and primary emotions) that underlie more visible behaviours.
By helping couples understand and map out their dance of disconnection, EFT fosters a path toward a more secure, connected, and resilient relationship.
Contact one of our EFT couples therapists today to learn how we can support you in combatting your negative cycle. 416 949 9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com
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