The first time that Rachel and Ben argued about their relationship, it was complicated. Their fight was about how Ben had cleaned their entire apartment and baked cookies, while Rachel spent days creating a personalized mug in her pottery class.
“I wished you noticed how much I do for us around here” Ben said while gesturing to the sparkling kitchen counters.
Rachel, holding her handmade mug, felt frustrated. “And I wish you noticed all the things I’ve given you”
Neither Rachel or Ben understood that they were speaking two completely different love languages.
The Tale of Five Love Languages
The concept of love languages comes from Dr. Gary Chapman’s novel The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. In his book, Dr. Chapman explains that everyone has a primary way they prefer to give and receive love and affection. By understanding these love languages, it can help to strengthen relationships by ensuring that love is communicated in a deep and meaningful way.
Words of Affirmation
This love language is all about verbal expressions of love and appreciation. Words can really lift these individuals up, while criticism or silence can hurt them deeply.
What this looks like: Compliments, praise, encouragement, heartfelt affirmations, expressions of gratitude, and appreciation.
Examples: Hiding love notes around the house, praising your partners accomplishments, appreciating their hard work, or taking a moment to tell them how much you love them. Other unique ways you can show your love through words is by creating a daily love note jar, a personalized playlist, creating a poem or engraving jewelry.
Acts of Service
Actions truly speak louder than words for people with this love language. Broken promises can feel like rejection for these individuals.
What this looks like: Doing thoughtful tasks or chores that will make their lives easier.
Examples: Running their errands, fixing the broken sink, filling their gas tank, cooking their favourite meal, or planning a surprise date night. Other creative ways to show your love for them can include making them a “day off” kit, cleaning their workspace, finishing a task they have been putting off, and taking over the harder chores.
Giving/Receiving Gifts
These individuals do not expect to be showered in material gifts, this language is focused on the thought that goes behind a tangible symbol of love. Receiving an unthoughtful gift can feel like rejection to these individuals.
What it looks like: Giving a meaningful gift that shows thought and time was put into it.
Example: a surprise bouquet of their favourite flowers, a handmade card, their favourite snack, surprise deliveries, or a small token that represents something special to them or to the both of you. Other unique ways of expressing your love through gifts is by giving handmade gifts, surprise love notes, a spa certificate, their favourite ice cream, or by creating a surprise scavenger hunt.
Quality Time
This love language is about undivided attention, emotional engagement, and shared moments. These individuals can be hurt easily by delayed plans, interruptions, and distractions.
What this looks like: Spending intentional time together, free from distractions.
Examples: Going for a walk, planning a date night, cooking together, watching a movie, picking up a hobby together, or having a deep conversation. Other unique ways of creating quality time is by having an unplugged night (free of all screens), taking a class together, revisiting meaningful places in your relationship, or having a board game night.
Physical Touch
Physical affection is the primary way people with this love language feel connected and loved. Physical distance or neglect can feel isolating for these individuals.
What it looks like: Nonverbal gestures of love through touch.
Examples: Hugging, cuddling, holding holds, giving a massage, stroking their hair or face, kissing, and being physically intimate. Other unique ways of expressing physical touch can include a spa night, taking a bath together, dancing, partner yoga, partner pottery, or sunset watching.
Recognize the Disconnect
After another minor spat about their unspoken expectations, Rachel found an article in a magazine about love languages. She showed it to Ben, and they decided together to take the quiz to find out their love languages.
The results found that Rachel’s primary love language was giving gifts, while Ben’s was acts of service. Suddenly, Rachel realized why Ben mopping the floors didn’t feel as romantic as a handwritten note.
Bridging the Gap
With this new insight, Rachel and Ben began experimenting. Rachel began paying attention to the little things that Ben did, like fixing the water pressure in their shower, or bringing her coffee in the morning. To Ben, these actions aren't chores, they are his way of saying “I love you”
Meanwhile, Ben began leaving sticky notes with simple affirmations behind curtains, in her purse, and on the bathroom mirror. Simple affirmations like: “You’re beautiful” or “Thank you for everything you do” would light her face up every morning.
Exploring Other Languages Together
Once Rachel and Ben grew attuned to each other's love languages, they began to explore other ways to connect.
Receiving gifts: Ben brought home a book of poems he saw on his walk home from work. “It’s not the book itself,” Rachel said smiling. “It’s that you remembered my favourite author.”
Quality time: Rachel put her phone aside during their date nights, giving Ben her undivided attention
Physical touch: Ben learned that letting Rachel hold his arm in public made her feel loved and grounded
Overtime, Rachel and Ben realize that navigating each other's love language wasn't about changing how they love. It was rather about understanding each other’s needs, and being willing to meet them halfway. Every relationship is a journey of learning to speak each other's language. Requiring constant curiosity, effort, and patience, but the reward is a connection that feels deeply seen and understood.
If you'd like to learn more about your love languages, contact one of our relationship therapists today. info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com or 416 949 9878.
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