How Ruptures in Self Trust Begin and Sabotage Relationships

Many people believe that losing the ability to trust comes from trusting the wrong people. In reality, the deeper root of the problem is losing self trust. You slowly become disconnected from your own intuitions, needs and boundaries, and when you do, every choice feels conflicted and unsafe. You no longer trust yourself, making secure connection with others feel unattainable.

Have you ever stayed in a situation, even though you had a gut-feeling that you were not happy or secure? Did you ultimately dismiss this feeling by telling yourself you are being too sensitive or critical? This is a prime example of a lack of trust in yourself. Instead of trusting your own judgement, which often nags at you, you push your intuition down in an attempt to be ‘logical’ or act ‘more relaxed’.

Self trust is not just self confidence. It’s the ability to listen, understand and rely on your intuition and needs. Self trust looks like:

• Listening to the information your emotions carry: emotions are signals, listen to what they are telling you about a situation

• Trusting your perceptions: your insight is valuable, and not “too much” of anything

• Honoring your needs: listening to these gut feelings instead of pushing them down

• Respecting your boundaries: know your own limits and communicate them, even when it is difficult

Self trust creates a sense of security. In times of need, you know that you have the ability to trust your judgement and choose what is right for you.

How Ruptures in Self-Trust Begin

Likely not surprisingly, ruptures in self trust begin in childhood as emotional invalidation. You may have been told “you’re fine”, “you’re too dramatic” or “stop crying”. What this is telling you is that your inner experience (your emotions and needs) are not reliable. It tells children that their feelings are flawed. They stop listening to their inner voices. Furthermore, it causes children to critique their intuition rather than trust it. This forces you to rely on external sources for emotional reality.

We can see now that this was an adaptation to our surroundings as a child. Your loss of self trust wasn’t because you trusted the wrong person, but rather a learned response to adapt to your environment early on in life.

How Self-Trust Ruptures Appear in Adult Relationships

The main way broken self-trust appears is through constant second-guessing of yourself. You question your needs, likely feeling like “am I asking for too much”. This causes any form of decision to become excruciating. A question as simple as “where do you want to go for dinner” becomes complicated when you are out of touch with your needs. Your fear of choosing wrong trumps the ability to read any signal your gut is telling you. Overthinking multiplies this problem.

Those with ruptures in self trust often internalize all problems, placing the blame on yourself even when you are not at fault. You are often aware of the problems at hand, but because you are ignoring your intuition, you put the blame on yourself. This causes people to stay in relationships even after consistent disappointment and emotional neglect. They know something is wrong, but aren’t listening to the signs. Alternatively they see the signs, but place the blame on themselves as a way to cope.

Another way self-trust ruptures appear in adult relationships is through anxiety after vulnerability. Due to the fact that you rely on external validity of emotions, as explained above, you become worried after being vulnerable and honest. Out of fear of not being accepted. Out of fear this external source will invalidate you once again, further rupturing your self trust.

The Benefits of Reparing Self Trust

Self trust is the basis of your identity. Without it, everyday life becomes difficult. Efforts to repair self trust can have enormous benefits, and make decisions and relationships easier. It allows:

• Boundaries to become easier: when you trust your needs, you are able to communicate them confidently and effectively

• Conflict feels survivable: you know how you feel, and are able to express is more comfortably because you trust yourself, making conflict resolution easier

• Rejection becomes tolerable: you know you can rely on yourself as well, you don’t only need others to support you

If you or a loved one is having trouble repairing self trust, we are here to help. Contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com.