10 Questions to Ask Yourself When You are Unsure About Your Relationship

Uncertainty does not automatically mean the relationship is over, it simply sends a signal to a potential problem. Rather than just focusing on your partner's words or actions, also look at the bigger picture of how they make you feel, who they allow you to be, and how your future looks with them. It is important to note that these questions are not meant to give you a definitive answer on whether to leave or stay, rather they are questions to guide you to gain a deeper understanding of your relationship.

1. Can You Fully be Yourself Around Your Partner, or Do You Feel the Need to Hide Parts of Yourself?

It is crucial that a relationship is built on acceptance. A relationship should not create the feeling of needing to perform or shrink your personality for your partner. Do you find yourself filtering thoughts to avoid upsetting them? Relationships are about openness and honesty, you should be able to be honest about your feelings! Constantly feeling the need to earn love by changing yourself often builds resentment and anxiety over time.

2. If Someone Said You Were Similar to Your Partner, Would You Take it as a Compliment?

It may seem obvious that you should like the traits of your partner. In relationships, we naturally become more like one another (within reason). You spend time with them, start to share interests or humor, causing you to start to share similar personalities. If someone pointed this out, would you become embarrassed by this statement? If the answer is yes, reflect on which trait exactly is causing that reaction. Sometimes we can love someone while knowing we don’t want to become more like them.

3. Is Your Partner Fulfilling Your Needs, or Are You Less Lonely?

A huge part of relationships is time spent together. However the quality of that time, and the way that your partner treats you is arguably more important. Is your partner responding to your needs? Relationships should be additive, meaning they should support you and bring newfound joy in your life rather than filling silence. A way to further inquire about this is to wonder if you would miss your partner specifically or just having someone. This can help differentiate if you love the concept of them, or love your partner themself. This leads us into the next question:

4. Do You Love Your Partner as They Are, or the Version You Hope They’ll Become?

Potential is not reality. You cannot change people to be the way you want them to be. Another way to ask this is if they never changed, would you still choose them? Many people who are in love with the potential of their partner often overlook recurring issues in hope that they’ll improve. While people can change, live in the present and differentiate between your ‘future’ partner and the one you are in a relationship with now.

5. Would You Want Your Child to Date Someone Similar to Your Partner?

When we are evaluating our relationships, the emotional weight and the experiences you share can make it difficult to see clearly. By reframing this evaluation to include an external perspective (in this case your potential or real child) which can take away emotional bias. If your child explained their relationship exactly as yours is today, how would you react? Would you encourage the relationship? If the answer is no, you are accepting less than you’d want for someone you love. 

6. If the Relationship Ended Without Any Awkwardness or Pain from the Breakup Would You Feel Relief?

Many times, people stay in relationships to avoid the suffering, pain or inconvenience of leaving. This question removes this consideration. If you would feel lighter, it is a signal that an aspect of your relationship is weighing you down. Feeling relief doesn’t automatically mean you should leave, but question what part of your relationship is making you feel that way. That signal can lead you to mend the part of your relationship that is making you unhappy, and strengthen the relationship!

7. Would You Feel Comfortable if Your Partner Were the Only Person Raising Your Child?

Parenting magnifies someone's values, patience, emotional regulation and communication. Would you be comfortable for your partner's values to be passed down to your child? Would you trust them to parent without you stepping in and helping? 

8. Are You Staying in your Relationship Because You Love them, or Because You are Afraid to Start Over?

Fear of a lack of security can disguise itself as commitment. This is another question which asks whether you love your partner for who they are, or the security that they bring to you. The answer can, and often is both! However it is important to recognize when the love of security overpowers the love for your partner. 

9. Do You Like Who You are When You are in This Relationship?

Does this relationship bring out the best in you, by being cared for and appreciated? Does it fill up your cup of emotional needs? Or do you find yourself becoming drained or insecure in a way you had not experienced before this relationship. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but weighing how pleased you are with your general feelings and behavior can provide understanding of the relationships impact on you.

10. Are Problems in the Relationship Actually Being Solved, or Repeating?

Recurring problems do not always appear the exact same. Every couple argues, but if the same arguments continue you may be stuck in a frustrating cycle. Repeated apologies begin to mean nothing without changed behavior!

These situations are hypothetical, and may seem a bit odd at times. However, they reframe the way we typically think about relationships in a way that helps us gain an understanding. If you are having trouble gaining clarity, or are seeking help for concerns in your relationship, we are here to help. Contact us at 416-949-9878 or info@georgetowncouplestherapy.com